It is my strong satirical belief that God has become a woman… or, if the transition hasn’t fully taken place, She is well on her way to becoming so.
And why do I think this amazing event is taking place? Well simply because it seems to be the strong belief of most people today that women finally deserve a spot in the big chair of running things. It’s kind of like being the token ethnically diverse person in the work place… but on a grander scale.
Besides, how do we know God hasn’t always been a woman? Yes I know there is all that Lord and Father stuff mentioned in the Bible and similar holy texts but in this day and age things like Lord and Father are merely gender neutral titles, aren’t they? I mean, I’ve seen Lord being used on women before so the precedent is there. And who’s to say the original texts were translated correctly? I mean, is it REALLY Father? Maybe it’s just ‘Parent’. When you look at it, which parent does the majority of the thinking, decision making, wish granting and argument ending? Which parent knows all about the weather and tells you when you need to go our wearing a winter coat or a sun hat? These are some sound theories here people!
Add to that, isn’t it about time we saw a female deity take pride and place in all our homes? I mean, since when have we had such a strong female ethereal presence within religion to inspire and encourage young women of this world?
Oh sure, you may bring up other deities like Isis, Horus and Parvati, but come on! They’ve never truly held the centre stage. And besides, what have they done for us lately? Buddha and Shiva gender swap or go gender neutral all the time and they aren’t even the main attraction like God!
Mother Nature? Now surely that is more a state of mind or a thing scientist fight to disprove than an actual deity we can pray to for guidance and support. No, no, no! There is not meant to be any god before The God – So none of these chappies really count as valid points to this argument.
Let’s face it, God being a male is just so OUTDATED and last century. Surely this mainstream religion needs to get with the times, connect with the youth of today and embrace their diversity by adapting and showing that although the almighty may wear the pants in this universe, She also wears the matching blouse and pant suit jacket, with the milky way galaxy as a power suit accessory of pearls around her neck.
I really don’t know WHO would complain about such a great change. It’s a positive step to affirmation that we are all equal and great. Plus, if God has decided on this gender change – who are we to argue? If we trust in God, we surely need to trust that what She is doing is for the greater good. So let’s not all start complaining about it and just sit down, shut up and get on with the Hail Marys and what not.
How can I make such radical theories when I am not even a Christian? Well, you know, I’ve dabbled in Christianity now and then all my life. That new Pope had me show a bit more interest in what goes on in church too. So I’ve not been following it faithfully all my life, but hey, that doesn’t matter! I am just trying to keep the religion real and up to date with what the fans want. And I am pretty sure there are a LOT of Christians out there cheering on the fact God has slipped out of that beard and toga and slipped into a skirt with sensible flats – though I’m pretty sure a vengeful God would be loving a sharp pair of stilettos – just saying.
So, in summary, God is now a woman – or possibly was all along but kept it under wraps as people were more accepting of men in the main roles back in say the 1960’s. God changed Her gender (or soon will be, maybe around Christmas to keep with the Holy Spirit) simply because it is something that She has always wanted to do. She is moving with the times, helping raise the awareness and give the girls of today a much needed religious role model and – all in all – simply giving the masses what they want. She has thrown aside the old scriptures – which may have been incorrectly read in the first place – and is rebooting Her career to ensure Her holy masses keep the faith and keep her in their prayers.
How can you not all see this?
Until next time,